CASE #ITE-2026
CLASSIFIED
DEPARTMENT OF ECONOMIC CRIMES

WHO KILLED
THE ECONOMY?

IN THIS ECONOMY?
DATE OPENED Every day since 2020
STATUS UNSOLVED
PRIORITY MAXIMUM
ASSIGNED TO Everyone. Literally everyone is affected.
CONFIDENTIAL
OPEN CASE FILE
EVIDENCE BOARD All connections identified. All suspects linked. Nothing makes sense.
X
X
THE ECONOMY
VICTIM / DECEASED

Last seen functioning: accounts vary. Somewhere between 2019 and "never, actually."

SUSPECT 01

INFLATION

Last seen: everywhere. Armed and extremely dangerous. Approach with caution and a second job.

SUSPECT 02

HOUSING MARKET

Known aliases: "Investment Opportunity," "Starter Home (from $900k)." Shows zero remorse.

SUSPECT 03

STUDENT LOANS

Currently holding 45 million Americans hostage. Has been doing so for decades. Appears to enjoy it.

SUSPECT 04

GROCERY PRICES

Investigators approached suspect about egg prices. Suspect laughed for eleven minutes straight.

SUSPECT 05

CORPORATE GREED

Has been asked to comment. Declined from third yacht. Sent a fruit basket with a note reading "record profits."

follow the money (there is no money)
check the avocado toast angle??
IT'S ALL CONNECTED
why does bread cost $7
EVIDENCE ROOM Authorized personnel only. Contents may cause existential dread.
A
EXHIBIT A CASE #ITE-2026 / ITEM 001
LOGGED

Grocery Receipt (2026)

Total: $247.83. Contents: bread, milk, the audacity to eat. Receipt was found crumpled in suspect's fist, dampened by what forensics confirmed were tears.

RECOVERED Self-checkout lane #7, undisclosed location
CONDITION Tear-stained. Structurally compromised.
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B
EXHIBIT B CASE #ITE-2026 / ITEM 002
LOGGED

Dreams of Homeownership

Status: deceased. Time of death: approximately 2008, confirmed again in 2024, reconfirmed 2026. Autopsy reveals cause of death was "the market" and "have you tried not buying coffee."

RECOVERED Zillow browsing history, 2:47 AM
CONDITION Beyond repair. No next of kin.
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C
EXHIBIT C CASE #ITE-2026 / ITEM 003
LOGGED

A Full Night's Sleep

Reported stolen. Whereabouts unknown since subject started their second job. Third job under consideration. Sleep is now classified as a theoretical concept.

RECOVERED Not recovered. Item remains missing.
CONDITION N/A. Last confirmed sighting: 2019.
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D
EXHIBIT D CASE #ITE-2026 / ITEM 004
COMPROMISED

Retirement Savings

Forensic analysis reveals this was actually just vibes and optimism disguised as a financial plan. The 401(k) has been reclassified as a 401(lol).

RECOVERED Brokerage statement, found buried in junk mail
CONDITION Contents evaporated. Container still present.
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E
EXHIBIT E CASE #ITE-2026 / ITEM 005
LOGGED

"Entry-Level" Job Listing

Requirements: 47 years of experience, PhD preferred, must know 14 programming languages. Salary: competitive (it is not). Benefits: "fast-paced environment" (there is no AC).

RECOVERED LinkedIn, posted 3 minutes ago, 4,200 applicants
CONDITION Actively hostile. Do not engage directly.
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F
EXHIBIT F CASE #ITE-2026 / ITEM 006
CLASSIFIED

One (1) Mental Health Day

Evidence suggests this concept may be entirely fictional. Attempts to take one resulted in 47 emails, 3 Slack messages marked "urgent," and a passive-aggressive calendar invite titled "Quick Sync :)".

RECOVERED HR policy document, page 47, footnote 12, font size 4
CONDITION Theoretical. Existence unverified.
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WITNESS STATEMENTS The following testimonies were recorded under oath. Contents have not been exaggerated. If anything, they have been understated.
WITNESS #1 — GROCERY STORE INCIDENT DATE: [REDACTED]
"Detective, I'm telling you. I went to the grocery store on a Tuesday. A TUESDAY. I bought six items. My card was declined. I had to put back the cheese. THE CHEESE, detective. I looked the cashier in the eye and put the cheese back. I've never been the same. I see cheese in my dreams now. I can't afford the cheese in my dreams either."
TESTIMONY VERIFIED
WITNESS #2 — HOUSING MARKET ENCOUNTER DATE: [REDACTED]
"I saw the housing market on the morning of... well, every morning. It was behaving erratically. Prices going up for no reason. I tried to make an offer on a one-bedroom. They laughed. The realtor, the seller, the house itself. I swear the house was laughing. It was listed at $1.2 million. It was 600 square feet. It did not have a door."
TESTIMONY VERIFIED
WITNESS #3 — LAST SIGHTING OF THE ECONOMY DATE: [REDACTED]
"I have evidence that the economy was last seen alive in approximately 2019. Some say early 2020. After that... silence. Some claim to have spotted it at a yacht club in the Caymans, but those reports remain unconfirmed. What I can tell you is that wherever the economy went, it did not leave a forwarding address."
TESTIMONY VERIFIED
WITNESS #4 — THE DEGREE INCIDENT DATE: [REDACTED]
"I'd like to report a robbery. Someone stole the value of my degree. Four years. $120,000. I was told this was an investment. The suspect? The entire job market. My degree now qualifies me to explain to my parents why I'm still on their phone plan. I have a master's degree. I know what amortization means. I cannot afford a sandwich."
TESTIMONY VERIFIED
INTERROGATION ROOM The Economy has been brought in for questioning. Polygraph attached.
POLYGRAPH READOUT
MONITORING

The Economy is seated across from you. The polygraph is running. Ask it anything.

ANALYZING RESPONSE...
...
THE ECONOMY'S RESPONSE:
DECEPTION DETECTED
UNSOLVED

CASE REMAINS OPEN

The economy remains at large and is considered dangerous. Citizens are advised to avoid direct contact with rent prices, medical bills, and grocery stores. If you see the economy functioning normally, do not approach. It is a mirage.

EVIDENCE TAG #ITE-001
CONTRACT ADDRESS
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COPIED TO CLIPBOARD
TIP LINE
X REPORT ECONOMIC ACTIVITY

This case file is the property of the Department of Economic Crimes.

IN THIS ECONOMY? Division. All rights reserved. No rights afforded.